Sick Cycle Carousel

can we go again?

I noticed no one is riding the carousel. but it will be just a matter of time. Like the lyrics of Lifehouse will be riding that sick cycle carousel once again. Dave Mason says pouring down the whiskey like it’s going out of style. Baby …. Please not again. Here it comes. The cycle becomes clear as the stranger leaves the only safe place I have.

Where’s that stash! That was a close one.

I almost stepped in it again, what was I thinking? Intimacy and fun can be mutually exclusive, but picking up strangers at what I assume was the bar. No telling.

My insides didn’t match the outside and what I saw happening made me feel like an oddity. There was no one there to normalize my feelings and perceptions. I, therefore, felt shame at seeing the emperor has no clothes. It was not a good idea to verbalize these feelings and observations. So, I kept to myself. I still do.

Who wants to admit that they self-destruct every 7 to 10 years. Who wants to admit that they cannot stay sober. What about the relationships that go with the seven-year itch. Even though I was sober 15 years at 7 years I had an attraction that could have ended my relationship. I ended up divorced at 14 years and then ended up in another relationship. That was short lived but took me 14 years to get over. I was single for 15 years after that because I was stepping off the merry go round. But I was sequestered in my house with minimal contact with the outside world. Just sitting there drinking.

My liver forced me to quit drinking this time. My mom and Mike were down visiting, and it was Easter. I announced that the beer I was drinking would be my last. What an announcement for the family on such an occasion. It forced me to keep my promise. To this day since Easter of 2017 have not had a beer. Coming up on 7 years so I watching the carousel go round and round. The relationship I have now is coming up on 6 so I watch intently as my patterns emerge and then submerge.