For some reason I vividly remember the couch and chair in grandma’s house. It was comfortable and I could lay or sit in almost any position. Seems like I spent a lot of time watching television and listening to music when I wasn’t outside. Grandma listened to the radio all the time. My favorite song was Goodnight Irene not because it was my grandmother’s name, but because it was a great song. Music has always been a lifeline, a connection to my world and my feelings as I understood them.
My world seemed so large, just a corner lot with most of it overgrown with grass and bushes. I could hide and no one could find me. I could be gone for what seemed like hours. A bug could be my playmate and I would be sad to leave it. Sometimes I would try to take it home in a jar. Naturally, it died in spite of my attempts to feed it. Having no idea what it needed, I learned that the bugs needed to stay outside. I cringe now when I think about the entities I tortured and jailed just for my entertainment.
I managed to miss an entire month of first grade by hiding. I would wait for the kids to walk home and walk with them as if I was in school. The school sent out a notice finally and needless to say, mom walked me to school for what seemed like a short time. I didn’t let my mom do much parenting, but I was glad to have her with me. I never felt shamed or abused by my mother. For some reason I always felt like I needed to protect my mother. Not so much as to take care of her but to save her from having to see the emperor’s obscene body.
One time mom fell off the playground wheel that goes around and around and has handles so you can try to hang on. My stepfather spined it so hard that mom flew off and made a thump in the grass. I was mortified, stomach sick at the thought of my mom being hurt. But there was a part of me that vowed to never be that weak or vulnerable enough to have someone hurt or humiliate me like that. My mom was dignified, and I couldn’t bear to see her lying there as a spectacle.
Love it
Interesting insight into what made you you.